red shoes

I visited a bar with some friends recently. I don't really go to bars so I felt a little out of place a little nervous at the wandering eyes of men.  There was a band playing which made me feel better. A tall lanky man screamed into a microphone and danced wildly. I wanted to dance. I hadn't danced in a long time. I felt completely out of place, but I enjoyed feeling the vibrations of the music in my body. Usually dancing just comes to me, but for some reason I found myself standing in a crowd of dancing people, completely still, staring at the man on stage.

A woman dressed in all black with long dark hair grabbed me and just started swaying me around. She told me I was beautiful and told me not to worry about anything. Just to dance. She swayed all around me and danced all over me, and I all over her. I couldn't look her in the face because I was so embarrassed, but I kept my eyes on her red high heels.

When the song was over she told me I was beautiful again and then asked my name. I was slightly shaken up but I told her. Hers was Carmen. She kissed my wrist and left me in the large crowd.

I found her later in the bathroom and we talked. She told me she was at the bar with a man that she wasn't interested in. He was just good company. I reminder her of her daughter and she missed her daughter very much. She sprayed perfume everywhere and brushed her long thick hair in a way so it would stay big enough to overpower her small framed face. She told me, "I came back to save my family, but it turns out they are killing me, you know? My youngest daughter keeps threatening to run away, but what she doesn't know, is that I'm ready to run away from her." She told me she was about to abandon everything she came back for and escape to California again. Carmen was a writer, so she "could live anywhere she wanted." She seemed frazzled and sad but strong of spirit as she franticly retouched her makeup and spray perfume violently.

Our conversation made me think about about my own life and about how coming home didn't feel the same after feeling like I had been sucked into an artistic sanctuary. Friendships aren't quite what they used to be and sometimes I am more exhausted than anything else, with a little dream to escape. Sometimes remembering what is best for yourself is just the best way to stay happy. But that is something that I haven't quite gotten right yet. Perhaps Carmen will leave her family and go back to Cali, and I will get my little escape very soon.

I can't stop thinking about her red shoes.

beautiful mold

This is what paper mache looks like after you leave it out for a week and a half. I think it is beautiful. It reminds me of powder or paint. It is amazing to me how nature chooses to break things down and how quickly. It is a great reminder of how temporary things are and beautiful change can be. The Japanese celebrate the aged, worn down quality of objects in their art. Its an idea that I've come to appreciate, only recently: an acceptance that not everything has to stay new to stay beautiful. 

first post

Today is the ten year anniversary of a great day of mourning, but for me today is a day of rebirth. This weekend I've officially taken the steps to present myself as a new artist. I hope that this blog will be a way to hold myself accountable for staying positive and inspired. 

For the last two years, I've felt away from myself. I left art school with a longing that I have not been able to completely overcome. A missing of the artistic community that I can't quite quench. I've dealt with death, heartache, and separation from people that I love: friends, lovers, and otherwise. I've lost a yearning of spiritual interest and gained a bitterness that I am uncomfortable with and lost confidence in myself during the process. And most of all, I've come to realize that I am in fact, growing up. And there's nothing I can do about it. 

My artist life has suffered greatly during this time, but today, I'm putting an end to neglecting myself. I know that inside of me there is color, light and positivity and I am choosing to commit to bringing it out again. Although I am still not exactly sure what is in store for my life, I know that I am without a doubt an artist, and I need to give myself a chance to be an artist again. 

I've created this blog as a sanctuary. As a way for me to center myself, reflect and collect inspiration. If others happen to benefit from it, then it will be additional encouragement for me. For everything we create in Life, is a connection to God and the Higher Self.